Ya Ya You Is Welcome

Monday, March 13, 2006

Spring-mothatfucking-break

So i'm on spring break right now. All my plans pretty much fell through for spring break but i made up for it by going to Montreal. the week started out on a good note with an acceptance letter to the School of Art Design and solid plans to go see George Clinton and then the next day fly out to chicago to see a friend i haven't seen in 4 years. By thursday spring break plans fell through for both things and i just up and went to Montreal with Brendan Dave and Brendan's friend Caroline. So far it's been an awesome trip. we've been staying in the Latin quarter going to hooka bars, eating great food and smoking herb. I've spent quite a bit of money. I've bought a 40 dollar hooka as well as 50 dollars worth of books. plus food and hotel... oh man i don't even want to think about it. I've just been really getting dirty in Montreal in ways i wasn't able to the last time i was here. It's been ultra cleansing. I also like to go out alone cause for some reason i feel more comfortable using my french when i'm alone. i guess that's becasue i have to. but it's great. I feel awesome even though it's been raining, it hasn't been cold so that makes this trip better.

alright well i'm off seen as though i only have like 25 minutes left on the internet.
It feels good not to be in armerica.

Monday, February 27, 2006

Lately...

Lately I've been feeling spacey again. A heavy loss in motivation which is driving me nuts. I feel like I keep procrastinating, putting things off and then they end up half assed and I'm embarassed of it a little bit. Pertaining to school at least.

I feel slightly bored with life. I need to do something extreme. I decided that I wanted to go to Chicago and visit my friend Crystal for sprink break. I haven't seen the girl in about 4 years now. I miss her a lot and need to do that. I'm also looking forward to my summer plans which are pretty much me going to Tennessee for Bonnaroo and then going to Armenia for a Photo internship. those two things are a must right now. I need something that's going to blow me away.

I find out March 1st whether or not I got into the School of Art and Design. my stomache's in knots over it. I've been learning so much in this photography class about paper film and light. I feel myself growing as a photographer and I couldn't imagine not being able to do it here. I did some pretty cool pinhole photography and made paper negatives and then positives out of the negatives. I'm also hopefully going to be working off a Nikon D100 Digital SLR off of my brother-in-law which is pretty flipping SWEET! I can't wait to learn how to use it and everything. I feel like i'm expanding in two opposite directions. I would really love to get a medium format camera though. They are so expensive but I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to own one. ESPECIALLY for my trip to Armenia, not having to worry about film being ruined is great.

I went to see the Disco Biscuits this weekend at Starland Ballroom. They played 3 nights of which is saw the last 2. I went to both show's sober not necissarily out of choice. I was really happy about it. I found that I had more energy to dance and it felt better to let loose sober than letting loose on drugs. Going to Bisco shows just makes me miss phish more though. It's a little sad. and kinda hard to handle. I met a girl this weekend named Annie who was into Phish and had been to a couple of shows I'd been to and we were just truely missing Phish.


That's all for now.

Friday, February 10, 2006

Portfolio Review

Well today is a major day, as it marks the day I conquered one of my biggest fears. Having my work judged by someone with credibility.

I'm in the process of applying to the photo program here at Purchase. The School of Art and Design here is one of the most comeptetive in the country and their program is world renowned. Today was the first step in. First of all the reviewer was my photography teacher from this semester. So I immediatly lost half my anxiety and realized "great I can just sit down and talk to my teacher about my work". He had nothing but positive things to say. He seemed to like my work very much and said that I was approaching this with the right attitude. He said that he would recommend me and that if by any chance I don't get in that I should let him know.

I doubted myself for so long. I felt so immature with my photography. I felt like a stupid little girl who went around taking shots of things. And it was such a personal experience for me that I was too afraid to make it out in the open and really do it even though i would make all these grand statements in high school about how i was gonna go to an art school and study photography. It feels so good to take a step towards that direction, towards that dream.

The lesson of the day "If you lose your dreams, you lose your mind"

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

End of the Semester, Reflection during my high break from study...

I guess I have a lot to reflect on. I feel the urge to do the ungodly thing of analyzing the last 4 months of my life. Only becuase I feel like I've come a long way and have been through a lot.

Since my last post I feel like I have a much better understanding of the person I am, the person I am becoming. I think I've become impressively accepting of myself. The best way I can describe it is that I've been listening to my body and my mind lately. And rather than question why I like the things I like. or why I feel the sudden urge to run, I simply accept it and delve deeper into it. Like I freestyle life with my actions and thoughts. And I truely am able to dive into myself as a person. I can dive into my brain and get lost and it's great becuase i've learned so much. It's like getting lost in a forest so many times that you start to learn it. It's so incredible, I don't know if it even makes sense.

Another thing is that I've been able to dive into the beauties of life. The beauties of my mind and what comes out with my hands when I have a pen in it. I carry around almost everything I love the most with me. I always have a notebook, an array of pens, A digital or SLR camera, iPod, and a book of some sort. Anytime I have the urge to do something. Whenever I feel overwhelmed and inspired, instead of leaving expansion for later I make my mind elaborate on it and I always write it down, or draw it. I just feel like i've learned a lot about myself artistically as well through my self acceptance. When i draw something now, i don't pass it off as stupid. I say "there's a reason why my hand wants me to make this curve or shape. I'm gonna go with this." And I've created some amazing things.

I feel like I have a lot more self control in terms of not letting myself fall down the hole of negativity. I think I'm extremely pessimistic and cynical when it comes to relationships and my being single. But I don't think I dwell in sadness anymore. I feel like I don't let myself forget about the great things in life, and the things that make me happy.

I feel like I understand myself a lot better. I'm gonna apply to the Visual Arts Conservatory here and go with Photography all the way. Still double majoring in French. And not transfering to New Paltz. I'm going to build a portfolio. I want to grow more. I want to grow more as a person,more importantly an artist and a photographer. Focus on me like I have been doing but taking it to the next level. I'm afraid to. I'm afraid I'm gonna suck, but I have to do it cuase if I don't I know I'm gonna regret it.

Thursday, October 06, 2005

I feel crazy these days. i don't know if half of my thoughts and feelings are real or justifiable. I've been having intense waves of loneliness overcoming me leaving me incompacitated. There are very few things in my life right now that are making me happy and I feel overall pretty goddamn bored with life. I'm just so sick of trying right now. I feel amost indifferent to everything. And the truth of the matter is i don't even know how true half of what I'm saying is. Am I just in the mood to complain so that's what i'm doing and rolling with it taking just a thought that popped into my head and dissecting it? Or is this really how i feel? is this the truth? I don't even know? and this is how i feel almost everyday. Am i really lonely? or am i making myself think i'm lonely.?am i really going crazy or am i making myself go crazy? Am I really bored and complacent and indifferent? or am i filled with a passion and a burning joi de vivre? my birthday is tomorrow. I don't really care anymore and a part of me doesn't even want to celebrate it. I can't do this...

Saturday, September 17, 2005

I'm homesick.

Friday, September 09, 2005

It's been 2 weeks and the moment we made the left turn into campus I felt like i was at home. All my fears vanished. This year is different. I've spread my horizons and have just been once again taking advantage of every social opportunity that arises. Just hanging out. And I think I can say that I like going to parties and beign single and flirting and expressing my sexuality to any guy I want. I suddenly feel empowered. As if I control the direction of anything with my eyes. A lot of people have been saying that I am one of the most sexual people they know and that I exude sexuality. Some people say I bring sexuality out of them. It's just funny cause I feel like I was the most reserved and shy person when it came to my sexuality 2 years ago.

Ok I don't want to talk about that anymore.

I'm really horny. I've been giving, haven't recieved in a little while... good karma?

GAH!