Ya Ya You Is Welcome

Wednesday, January 26, 2005

I've got to move on
I can't lose track
Cause when the tears start flowing
I veer off and Crash.
And It's like constatnly reliving the same wilted day
I just can't do this to myself again.
Chin up, shoulders back, look straight ahead.
No looking down or looking back
No lonesome sulking.
No more tripping on already passed cracks.
I just can't do this to myself again.
Time and time alone hold the answer to all my cries,
and i'm hoping that this time, time is on my side.
For now I'll sit back and enjoy the good times.
I just can't do this to myself again.
C'mon Ani, things can't be that bad.
but it's easier said than felt
When you're feeling this sad.
Pull yourself together, this too shall pass.
I just can't do this to myself again.
No more hope in songs
No more living vicariously through Tracy in "Manhattan".
I'm ridding myself of this heartbreak
I just can't do this to myself again.

Friday, January 14, 2005

Well. I guess that momentary happiness did not last for too long. Now I'm back to cynically staring life in the eyes over everything and saying "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?" I'm just, not happy. I'm not content, I'm not excited. Life feels like a drag and I find myself wanting to sit by the computer and pretend like i'm planning all these trips to Europe. Or I'll read hoping to escape everything.

On the brighter side i got to see my two lovely dark metropolitan friends, Danny and Lucy last night. I must say that it was a nice change from the tantrtum i was having over the vaccum cleaner not working. We had an evening of japonese food, a first time experience at the infamous Bowery Ballroom, honey joints and Dominican Republic pictures. I missed those two a lot. I'm happy to have them back.

I'm dreading my parents return. I don't want to hear it from them. AT ALL. Especially if it has anything to do with how shitty of a daughter I am.

Whatever I go back to school wednesday. That's all I really need to focus on i suppose.

Later dudes.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

Repent...

Alright. So let's consider all the things Ani has gone through in the past 5 months.
1. Rob, that whole heartbreak.
2. Going to school, getting work done.
3. Making new friends.
4.My mom once again has caught me smoking weed. Not in the act, but I came home at like 11:00 pm. My eyes were red, and she popped the question.
"Have you been smoking again Ani?"
"Yes mother I have"
"Oh, that ees GRRRREEAATT. Just a phase, KAK a phase"(KAK- Shit in Armenian. Yes, mother dear curses too.)
"But mom, I told you that I still smoked, I never lied about that. Do you remember what i said the first weekend I came back home from school?"
Mother is standing with her arms folded in front of me, staring into my bloodshot eyes. Silenced.
"I told you 'People at school smoke too much pot. I'm not saying that I haven't partaken in any of these events, because I have smoked there, But not nearly as much as most of the people there.'

"I didn't know you meant smoking the POOTTSS!!"

She goes off ranting and raving about how I was a failure in her eyes; Using Monika Sarah and Yomna as lifestyles I should follow. Quite frankly, I am quite fond of the person I am. I'm getting my work done. My GPA is higher than it ever was in high school. For my first semester in college I think that's something to be proud of. I rarely smoked during the day. And at night it was no more than 2 outings after I've finished my work. I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. I've been responsible with money. Rarely splurging on unescisary items. I come home for vacation and work almost every day. I'm a good kid. And she pretty much was saying how she'd rather have a snobbish daughter like my cousin Lena, than someone like me who smokes the pots and the cigarette. I... need to get the fuck out of here. Worst of all when mom went to bed, my father and I were sitting on the couch for half an hour. He didn't say a goddamn thing to me. All he said was goodnight from the kitchen in Armenian. He went to bed. I woke up to hearing the doorbell ring at 8 inthe morning. My mom saying

"Dee caaab ees herrrre"

I heard the door slam shut and I thought

"Thank god she is on vacation for a month. Maybe Dad will buy an 8th and smoke her out with shotties. Who knows they might get freaky and all."

Bottom line, she's no longer giving me money. Like spending money. Which I see almost as a good thing. I'll learn to make money, and all that jazz. I think that's a great idea mom.

Anyway, for some reason now I have the house to myself, The idea that I can run around naked filles me with inconcievable bliss and joy. When everything falls apart, more so than they already in have, is the time when I have the will to be happy. I was giggling again, out loud, for no reason. That hasn't happened in a while.

I'm moving on with life. Starting now. Rob is done with, over, the book is being closed right now. I ... Just need to stay strong, Do other things. If he comes back, I'll be shocked. I think I might have to just forget about him completely for next semester, Not talk to him at all. I think I just will stop talking to him until graduation. That'll be 6 months. Ok I'm doing it now. 6 Months. NO ROB! No one ask me about him. This is a closed book. For 6 months. I'm really sticking to this guys. New Years Resolution. Here It is!

All smiles here. Another thing I think I may start doing is just smoking one fat joint a week. Not smoking with other people, just maybe to myself. I'll still go with people but I won't take a hit. Maybe I'll learn how to roll blunts. And only smoke One blunt on the weekends, That's it. Not to myself only though, with like Julia and Rachel, Alima, Sexy Sam, Mike... For Shizzle! That's a lot of people. Well alima might not be here becuase it's the weekend, she'll probably be with Joel, in woodstock.

Ok now I'm just rambling. Well thanks forlistenign guys. I'm out!

Party at Ani's Tonight! YA Ho