Ya Ya You Is Welcome

Tuesday, May 17, 2005

I've been home a week and already I have my cubicle of Apple products, telephones and cell phones at arms reach, wireless internet and a method of seed eating that is all too systematic for my own good. My bathroom is packed with most of my posessions, and there are two heaping piles of clothes in the far corner of my room, a mattrees on the floor and a trunk for a desk. My walls are completely bare but it almost looks pokadotted because of all the missing paint chips. The room feels dead and barren yet pregnant and overflowing.

Being home has been the most unsettling thing in the world yet the most comforting in the same sense. I feel no different than I did at school. Contrary to what I thought, being home has not made me feel better or offered me a clearer image of myself. The negative side to this is well I still feel completely confused, lost and blurry and I'm not even sure what about. The positive side is that well, I know these feelings aren't due to Purchase or pot.

I feel like a 30 year old who woke up as a younger person and doesn't really know how to function. I mean if you could imagine what that person must be feeling that's how i feel. not to say that i actually feel like an older person trapped in a younger persons body cause well that doesn't make a shred of difference to me. But imagine waking up and feeling lost like that. That's how I feel, like i've taken steps backwards. Even though only a year has passed I expected to come home and have a completely different out look on things. I expected to be happier. More well rounded. After all, I was going through all these changes. I'd never been away from my parents for more than a week or two. I hadn't switched schools since the second grade. I never really had the option of choosing who would be my friends because of how limited I was at Garden. Yet despite all these changes i feel like none of them has made a change in me. I feel like I woke up and am back to the end of my senior year but much more gloomy muchmore hazy and much less exciting because i already know what freshman year is like.

A part of me also feels like I'm saturating myself in the same thoughts and feelings for months now. When I sit down to write in my journal nothing creative flows out. I haven't been able to write a good peice of poetry in months. And it occured to me while i was wasting time in Tompskin Sq Park that since I have nothing reflect, no emotion or experience to express, it's time i do things. Go to a couple of art shows, read a shit load of books, listen to all the music on my computer that's never once been played before. Watch all those movies your ashamed of not having seen. Make money, and work my ass off. No stopping to think becuase that's when i'll saturate myself in those same thoughts that have become as thick and inescapable as molasses at this point. So that's what I have to do. Find something to thin it all out. I just hope I actually do it this time instead of just talking about it.

Wednesday, May 11, 2005

It's pretty crazy that it's already the end of the semester. My freshman year is over. It's odd how at the end of things we expect to feel this profound change. in many ways this past year has just felt like a dream, like a little vacation. it hasn't felt like life. It's also really hard to conceive of a full year and try to sum it all up. So much happened, yet so little. I remember being here in the fall. My computer was the first thing I set up. I sat here in my cool college chair, in my college dorm room staring at my bar college walls, looking out the window at my colelge campus. I think i can safely say that I walked away from school having understood a little bit more about myself.things look and sound so much better in retrospect. I feel like i enjoy moments so much more in retrospect.

Oddly enough this doesn't feel like the end. i am so much more excited to come back to school than i am sad about leaving school.

Where is my mind. WHEEEEERE is my mind!

Don't you hate the feeling when you hook up with someone but you actually like them that time but don't really know how to progress it from a one night stand to something alittle bit more profound... yea... that sucks.

I love Rachel, Julia, Alima, Selene, both Sam's, Endless Lipschutz, Stef, Brendan, Jon... I mean the list is so long. Whether or not this is all gonna be read by them i don't care, Just in case they stumble accross this i want them to know that I love them. and that they've all made such an impact on this life.


Sunday, May 01, 2005

My arch nemesis, She's my nightmare. I run away from her in my dreams. I run away from her in real life, and anytime she opens her mouth I need to tear and break everything in sight because I have to hold everything inside. When our sphere's meet the apocalypse is expected.

I'm very nervous and not looking forward to moving back home at all. My mother is driving me absolutely crazy and I'm shaking in anger right now. I'm sick of her over statements i'm sick of her generalizing everything to the mood she's in. I'm sick of her stupid pointless dead end questions. I'm sick of her investigations and her tallying everything I do and say up until i've passed the limit of how much I'm allowed to do it. I'm so not lookin forward to moving back home, I wantto put a lock on my door and maybe build a balchony outside my bedroom window, maybe with a staircase reaching ground level so I never have to cross paths with her again. As mean as this is going to sound I want to vomit everytime she tells me she misses me because there is probably no limit to how much time I can spend away from her. And this isn't normal. Rob says I just need to do things the way I want. The more I do that the more she'll get used to it and the less she'll question me.

I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel really on edge and unsure about things, i'm freaking out and i just want to crawl up into a ball right now and cry. I dunno what's wrong with me. but I just need to be away from everything. I just feel all this pressure to do and be something great and amazing, I feel like i have all these people to impress and I feel like i haven't impressed myself at all. I feel stupid and boring and ugly and shallow and untalented and simply unhappy and I dunno what's wrong with me because I know that none of that stuff is true but it's how I feel. I should've never gotten out of bed this morning.