Ya Ya You Is Welcome

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

End of the Semester, Reflection during my high break from study...

I guess I have a lot to reflect on. I feel the urge to do the ungodly thing of analyzing the last 4 months of my life. Only becuase I feel like I've come a long way and have been through a lot.

Since my last post I feel like I have a much better understanding of the person I am, the person I am becoming. I think I've become impressively accepting of myself. The best way I can describe it is that I've been listening to my body and my mind lately. And rather than question why I like the things I like. or why I feel the sudden urge to run, I simply accept it and delve deeper into it. Like I freestyle life with my actions and thoughts. And I truely am able to dive into myself as a person. I can dive into my brain and get lost and it's great becuase i've learned so much. It's like getting lost in a forest so many times that you start to learn it. It's so incredible, I don't know if it even makes sense.

Another thing is that I've been able to dive into the beauties of life. The beauties of my mind and what comes out with my hands when I have a pen in it. I carry around almost everything I love the most with me. I always have a notebook, an array of pens, A digital or SLR camera, iPod, and a book of some sort. Anytime I have the urge to do something. Whenever I feel overwhelmed and inspired, instead of leaving expansion for later I make my mind elaborate on it and I always write it down, or draw it. I just feel like i've learned a lot about myself artistically as well through my self acceptance. When i draw something now, i don't pass it off as stupid. I say "there's a reason why my hand wants me to make this curve or shape. I'm gonna go with this." And I've created some amazing things.

I feel like I have a lot more self control in terms of not letting myself fall down the hole of negativity. I think I'm extremely pessimistic and cynical when it comes to relationships and my being single. But I don't think I dwell in sadness anymore. I feel like I don't let myself forget about the great things in life, and the things that make me happy.

I feel like I understand myself a lot better. I'm gonna apply to the Visual Arts Conservatory here and go with Photography all the way. Still double majoring in French. And not transfering to New Paltz. I'm going to build a portfolio. I want to grow more. I want to grow more as a person,more importantly an artist and a photographer. Focus on me like I have been doing but taking it to the next level. I'm afraid to. I'm afraid I'm gonna suck, but I have to do it cuase if I don't I know I'm gonna regret it.