Ya Ya You Is Welcome

Spring-mothatfucking-break

2006-03-13T13:47:00.000-08:00

So i'm on spring break right now. All my plans pretty much fell through for spring break but i made up for it by going to Montreal. the week started out on a good note with an acceptance letter to the School of Art Design and solid plans to go see George Clinton and then the next day fly out to chicago to see a friend i haven't seen in 4 years. By thursday spring break plans fell through for both things and i just up and went to Montreal with Brendan Dave and Brendan's friend Caroline. So far it's been an awesome trip. we've been staying in the Latin quarter going to hooka bars, eating great food and smoking herb. I've spent quite a bit of money. I've bought a 40 dollar hooka as well as 50 dollars worth of books. plus food and hotel... oh man i don't even want to think about it. I've just been really getting dirty in Montreal in ways i wasn't able to the last time i was here. It's been ultra cleansing. I also like to go out alone cause for some reason i feel more comfortable using my french when i'm alone. i guess that's becasue i have to. but it's great. I feel awesome even though it's been raining, it hasn't been cold so that makes this trip better.

alright well i'm off seen as though i only have like 25 minutes left on the internet.
It feels good not to be in armerica.

Lately...

2006-02-27T16:22:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been feeling spacey again. A heavy loss in motivation which is driving me nuts. I feel like I keep procrastinating, putting things off and then they end up half assed and I'm embarassed of it a little bit. Pertaining to school at least.

I feel slightly bored with life. I need to do something extreme. I decided that I wanted to go to Chicago and visit my friend Crystal for sprink break. I haven't seen the girl in about 4 years now. I miss her a lot and need to do that. I'm also looking forward to my summer plans which are pretty much me going to Tennessee for Bonnaroo and then going to Armenia for a Photo internship. those two things are a must right now. I need something that's going to blow me away.

I find out March 1st whether or not I got into the School of Art and Design. my stomache's in knots over it. I've been learning so much in this photography class about paper film and light. I feel myself growing as a photographer and I couldn't imagine not being able to do it here. I did some pretty cool pinhole photography and made paper negatives and then positives out of the negatives. I'm also hopefully going to be working off a Nikon D100 Digital SLR off of my brother-in-law which is pretty flipping SWEET! I can't wait to learn how to use it and everything. I feel like i'm expanding in two opposite directions. I would really love to get a medium format camera though. They are so expensive but I would LOVE LOVE LOVE to own one. ESPECIALLY for my trip to Armenia, not having to worry about film being ruined is great.

I went to see the Disco Biscuits this weekend at Starland Ballroom. They played 3 nights of which is saw the last 2. I went to both show's sober not necissarily out of choice. I was really happy about it. I found that I had more energy to dance and it felt better to let loose sober than letting loose on drugs. Going to Bisco shows just makes me miss phish more though. It's a little sad. and kinda hard to handle. I met a girl this weekend named Annie who was into Phish and had been to a couple of shows I'd been to and we were just truely missing Phish.

That's all for now.

Portfolio Review

2006-02-10T09:40:00.000-08:00

Well today is a major day, as it marks the day I conquered one of my biggest fears. Having my work judged by someone with credibility.

I'm in the process of applying to the photo program here at Purchase. The School of Art and Design here is one of the most comeptetive in the country and their program is world renowned. Today was the first step in. First of all the reviewer was my photography teacher from this semester. So I immediatly lost half my anxiety and realized "great I can just sit down and talk to my teacher about my work". He had nothing but positive things to say. He seemed to like my work very much and said that I was approaching this with the right attitude. He said that he would recommend me and that if by any chance I don't get in that I should let him know.

I doubted myself for so long. I felt so immature with my photography. I felt like a stupid little girl who went around taking shots of things. And it was such a personal experience for me that I was too afraid to make it out in the open and really do it even though i would make all these grand statements in high school about how i was gonna go to an art school and study photography. It feels so good to take a step towards that direction, towards that dream.

The lesson of the day "If you lose your dreams, you lose your mind"

End of the Semester, Reflection during my high break from study...

2005-12-14T14:25:00.000-08:00

I guess I have a lot to reflect on. I feel the urge to do the ungodly thing of analyzing the last 4 months of my life. Only becuase I feel like I've come a long way and have been through a lot.

Since my last post I feel like I have a much better understanding of the person I am, the person I am becoming. I think I've become impressively accepting of myself. The best way I can describe it is that I've been listening to my body and my mind lately. And rather than question why I like the things I like. or why I feel the sudden urge to run, I simply accept it and delve deeper into it. Like I freestyle life with my actions and thoughts. And I truely am able to dive into myself as a person. I can dive into my brain and get lost and it's great becuase i've learned so much. It's like getting lost in a forest so many times that you start to learn it. It's so incredible, I don't know if it even makes sense.

Another thing is that I've been able to dive into the beauties of life. The beauties of my mind and what comes out with my hands when I have a pen in it. I carry around almost everything I love the most with me. I always have a notebook, an array of pens, A digital or SLR camera, iPod, and a book of some sort. Anytime I have the urge to do something. Whenever I feel overwhelmed and inspired, instead of leaving expansion for later I make my mind elaborate on it and I always write it down, or draw it. I just feel like i've learned a lot about myself artistically as well through my self acceptance. When i draw something now, i don't pass it off as stupid. I say "there's a reason why my hand wants me to make this curve or shape. I'm gonna go with this." And I've created some amazing things.

I feel like I have a lot more self control in terms of not letting myself fall down the hole of negativity. I think I'm extremely pessimistic and cynical when it comes to relationships and my being single. But I don't think I dwell in sadness anymore. I feel like I don't let myself forget about the great things in life, and the things that make me happy.

I feel like I understand myself a lot better. I'm gonna apply to the Visual Arts Conservatory here and go with Photography all the way. Still double majoring in French. And not transfering to New Paltz. I'm going to build a portfolio. I want to grow more. I want to grow more as a person,more importantly an artist and a photographer. Focus on me like I have been doing but taking it to the next level. I'm afraid to. I'm afraid I'm gonna suck, but I have to do it cuase if I don't I know I'm gonna regret it.

2005-10-06T05:52:00.000-07:00

I feel crazy these days. i don't know if half of my thoughts and feelings are real or justifiable. I've been having intense waves of loneliness overcoming me leaving me incompacitated. There are very few things in my life right now that are making me happy and I feel overall pretty goddamn bored with life. I'm just so sick of trying right now. I feel amost indifferent to everything. And the truth of the matter is i don't even know how true half of what I'm saying is. Am I just in the mood to complain so that's what i'm doing and rolling with it taking just a thought that popped into my head and dissecting it? Or is this really how i feel? is this the truth? I don't even know? and this is how i feel almost everyday. Am i really lonely? or am i making myself think i'm lonely.?am i really going crazy or am i making myself go crazy? Am I really bored and complacent and indifferent? or am i filled with a passion and a burning joi de vivre? my birthday is tomorrow. I don't really care anymore and a part of me doesn't even want to celebrate it. I can't do this...

2005-09-17T22:09:00.000-07:00

I'm homesick.

2005-09-09T16:31:00.000-07:00

It's been 2 weeks and the moment we made the left turn into campus I felt like i was at home. All my fears vanished. This year is different. I've spread my horizons and have just been once again taking advantage of every social opportunity that arises. Just hanging out. And I think I can say that I like going to parties and beign single and flirting and expressing my sexuality to any guy I want. I suddenly feel empowered. As if I control the direction of anything with my eyes. A lot of people have been saying that I am one of the most sexual people they know and that I exude sexuality. Some people say I bring sexuality out of them. It's just funny cause I feel like I was the most reserved and shy person when it came to my sexuality 2 years ago.

Ok I don't want to talk about that anymore.

I'm really horny. I've been giving, haven't recieved in a little while... good karma?

GAH!

2005-08-26T06:33:00.000-07:00

I don't want to move, I don't want this right now and this is what i'm hating about school. I'm going be going through this twice a fucking year. I've been here so long and the next couple of days are just gonna be too much. i'm gonna have to do 5 things at a time and it's gonna get hectic. I just got comfortable. ...sigh...

::listening to PJ Harvey "Is That All There Is?"::

2005-08-11T08:04:00.000-07:00

Hello folks so lets see, whats been going on. I think my attitude has lately shifted into a period of happiness and comfort. The happiness and comfort i've been trying hard to find. I feel extraordinarily great these past few weeks. I mean i've been complaining a lot about all this mumbo jumbo boyfriend crap. Although i want it i feel like when it boils down it i love myself i love my life and i love the people in it. I love who i am a lot. And I have these quietstions that run through my head of questions people ask me when i tell them about it. One common question is "What about having a relationship is gonna make you happy, why is THAT going to make you happy?" i don't know what the answer to that question is.

Last night Rob said I was an idealist and that's one of the things he likes about me. And really I'm such a fucking idealist and I love that about me too. i dunno. I find myself wanting to kick myself in the ass whenever i get sad about shit just because i have so much, maybe too much to be happy about. i dunno i guess it's just certain topics that tiff me up and make me upset. and i realized it's not just the loneliness issue either. This relieves me to no end, becuase there are more things than trivial labels on relationships that irk me, that make me feel something whether it be happiness or sadness. Just like how it would be pathetic if it were the other way around. lets say i had a boyfriend but he was the only thing making me happy. that would make me unhappy that my life is so centered around that person rather than my maitaining my identity. So i get equally sad when that's the only thing i get upset over cuase that's just so... patheitc.

Things i have to be happy about range from a great amaizng huge family who i know will always be there for me taking care of me. I have a great group of friends who i think really understand me and care for me as well. To a further understanding of myself and a love for my mind my train of thought, my music, my books, my lotion, my clothes, my personality, my nonstop demanding of life, demanding of what i get out of it, my desire to live and experience everything, my wanting to take everything in always, and my unwillingness to settle for mediocre and average. These are all reasons why I'm not gonna meet someone right away, instantaneously I feel like i want life to be as if i were a 3 year old on Acid.

Speaking of which I'm reading the Electric Kool-Aid Acid Test which has me laughing my ass off on the subway as i read a bout these hippies "zonked" on acid.

I went to Woodstock this weekend, Went camping, hung out with the Woodstock crew. I love those guys so much.

Summer is over in like 2 weeks and it's back to fun fun Purchase and fun fun classes. Major dillema, how do i decorate my room and suite!?!?!?! post if you have any suggestions!

2005-07-26T06:25:00.000-07:00

So my summer has sort of gonne through a weird wave it started out completely hectic, it was like being in a subway car at the peak of rush hour. Lexington avenue is code for the end of June. All the people rush out and all of a sudden you find yourself standing in train car completely alone, seats empty newspapers saving the seats for you, empty coffee cups and power bar wrappers are slightly rolling back an forthe as if someone had been there a minute ago. So i wouldn'y say that the end of june was rock bottom or anything but i felt the negativity overwhelming my brain suffocating it from thinking one positive thing or at least allowing me to feel it. and not i've sort of levelled out, relaxed. it's a comfortable train ride, kinda of like the long island railrooad smmooth and quiet for the most part, enough seats are empty that the passenger has choices upon entering the car. i feel like I've leveled out. i do stuff but there are times where i stop and think man i don't have a thing to do today. Now things feel balanced.

Aida read my tarot cards last weekend it's weird how dead on some of the things turn out to be, pretty much everything she read about my past was true, i mean everything, one card came up and said that through positive thinking things will get better. that i'm facing and going to be facing a time when there is going to be negativity and positiviity but i need to stick to the positive control my mind and my emotions. and it's weird a lot of the times i am upset, sad or angry i bring it on myself. I think about things so much, i dissect things so much that i forget to just enjoy them. I let my mind wander and it tends to just sleepwalk into a dark alley. So i guess hearing that from a deck of cards really sort of did something to me and it's kind of snapped me out of this negative head.and has conitinued to do so every time i walk by a dark enterance. Anyway...

But hanging out with Aida was truely a special evning, we hun gout and talked after the reading. I rolled us a killer joint and during our high as a kyte frenzie we busted out journals and read back and forth old poetry and quotes we had come accross and loved. and it was just us. We really had a bonding day. I feel like she and I are like the same people sometimes. The evening was followed by Edward Scissorhands with Danny, which was really a fantabulous time. The next day i saw Charlie and the Chocolate Factory and I must say I was expecting a little more. It seemed too borderline. It gave a little of what I wanted but not nearly enough.

The next day Danny Eileen and I watched Vanilla Sky. It was my and Eileen's first time seeing it. I loved the movie, it was really good. I thought it progressed from reality into dreams into i'm starting to lose track of what's real and what's not, into i really dunno what the fuck is going on at ALL into, OH! It was an uplifting movie. It made me really happy.

Smiles all around for me. THE SUMMER IS ALMOST OVER! this is weird!

2005-07-07T15:36:00.000-07:00

Things I've heard or read that pertain to me right now?

"God doesn't listen to what I say."

"Il me semble que je serais toujour bien là où je ne suis pas"

2005-07-04T13:17:00.000-07:00

Wednesday night was quite possibly one of my favorite evenings in a while.

I woke up that morning and the first thoughts entering my head were "I'm gonna see a musical GENIUS tonight!" I walked to work singing at the top of my lungs, blasted great music in Jason's studio, seen as though he was gone for half the day, and I mopped and danced half the day away. Ran some errands got caught in the rain, BUT IT DIDN"T RAIN ON MY FUCKING PARADE!

i rushed to 23rd street after work met Julia in the train station and jetted to Lucy's where we would meet Danny and Lucy and indulge in the forbidden fruits known as LSD and MDA. After sitting around for a little while we made our way to central park summerstage. After maybe a half hour wait we found ourselves a comfortable spot in the crowd at the stage and waited. By this time I was feeling the effects of whatever I had taken. Then David Byrne came out on stage and I don't believe I've ever been as star struck. i found myself standing there staring in disbelief at the white hair the cut brown outfit and the fact that I was looking at David Byrne with my own two eyes on stage. At this point and at this point ONLY did I realize how good this show was going to be. Needless to say, he rocked the fuck out. He played nearly everything I wanted short of Tiny Apocalypse. But Niave Melody, Un Di Felice Eterea, Psycho Killer, I Zimbra, The Great Intoxication, What A Day It Was, Life During Wartime, Like Humans Do and many others did MORE than make up for it. David Byrne and Radiohead have been my favorite live performances.

The concert ended with a really snapppy brass group playing gospel songs, making us feel the wrath of God and sending us to heaven. The music was good but the persistent God references harshed my mellow. Cause as into it as I was, God was the last thing on my mind.

After the show Danny Julia and I spent more time walking around Central Park I jumping in puddles, walking through jungly area's, getting freaked out by crazy pilots quaking at an empty pond before meeting his slut NY mistress. We walked in one huge circle ending up at the old summerstage. Then we took a cab to Danny's.

When we got there it was bong hit bong hit bong hit Shpongle, Radiohead, and Matisyahu and some crazy visuals. I closed my eyes and really just relaxed giving my mind free reign to explore all ends of my imagination. I had never given my brain that honest attempt and I regretted not having done it before. I'd never experience something like that, a train of visuals that i could just sit there and let happen without any control because the minute i tried to control it the visuals would shatter into a million pieces. This was all followed by a 4:20 smoke down and train ride back into the Heights with Julia.

Other than that i've spent the last few days really enjoying the outdoors and I missed doing outdoorsy stuff. A day in Central Park with Fio and Charlie, and 2 days in a row at the beach. Tonight I want to see explosions HUGE GINORMOUS fireworks. Can't wait.

2005-06-27T18:44:00.000-07:00

So this weekend I was graced with the opportunity to go to WoodCOCK and see all those dirty Purchase peep HIPPIES! it was a really good weekend. What was best about the weekend was being able to share a room with Rachel again, I missed her soo much and it was nice to be in her space. The other best thing was my being able to surprise Alima the way I did. I'm usually really bad at surprising people becuase whenever i plan to do it I always let my excitement get in the way of things and well since this was an unintentional surprise i guess i have nothing to brag about. Regardless it was fun to surprise someone. Good pot, good people, good food, what more could I ask for? Nothing my friends, NOTHING.

Other than that the major concern for at least the first half of the week is what drugs should Ani do for David Byrne Wednesday night? Got any suggestions? Post em up

2005-06-22T07:19:00.000-07:00

Just when i feel like i've made progress I've gotta go and take a few steps backwards. I hung out with Rob. God I'm sick of feeling embarassed to even mention his name. I feel very stupid, i feel like i'm doing all of this to myself and not doing a goddamn thing to help myself.and for that I feel stupid. I just don't want fall semester to begin and for me to still be feeling this way. But I've got to be honest I've got some crazy summer fever going on here and what i really need is to find me one hott ass guy and stop using Rob as filler until I find it, ya know? Fortunately the negativity brought about by this situation is easily cured by either say watching the Pistons win game six with Danny or sitting outside Jones Beach listening to the Doors play with Julia, Stef and their crazy hippie friends!

Since my last blog I went to Montreal, which was like the best little trip i could've taken, it was a lot of fun to wander through a completely foreign country all by myself, using my knowlege and incredible send of direction to get around. I went from Mount Royal to Place Des Arts to McGill to Chinatown to Vieux-Montreal! I need to spend a semester in Quebec! I dunno what I loved most about Montreal. It could've been the fact that i ran into 2 people lighting up on the street or it could just be that all the people are just cool, hip and HOTT. It's just a happening city. On top of all of that I got to see Charles Aznavour live in CONCERT! It was really exciting. I've been sucked into his music along With Edith Piaf and Mireille Mathieu.

My parents are going to France in July and as excited I am for them I think they should be more excited for me! Enough said...

Happy summer everyone!

2005-05-17T18:23:00.000-07:00

I've been home a week and already I have my cubicle of Apple products, telephones and cell phones at arms reach, wireless internet and a method of seed eating that is all too systematic for my own good. My bathroom is packed with most of my posessions, and there are two heaping piles of clothes in the far corner of my room, a mattrees on the floor and a trunk for a desk. My walls are completely bare but it almost looks pokadotted because of all the missing paint chips. The room feels dead and barren yet pregnant and overflowing.

Being home has been the most unsettling thing in the world yet the most comforting in the same sense. I feel no different than I did at school. Contrary to what I thought, being home has not made me feel better or offered me a clearer image of myself. The negative side to this is well I still feel completely confused, lost and blurry and I'm not even sure what about. The positive side is that well, I know these feelings aren't due to Purchase or pot.

I feel like a 30 year old who woke up as a younger person and doesn't really know how to function. I mean if you could imagine what that person must be feeling that's how i feel. not to say that i actually feel like an older person trapped in a younger persons body cause well that doesn't make a shred of difference to me. But imagine waking up and feeling lost like that. That's how I feel, like i've taken steps backwards. Even though only a year has passed I expected to come home and have a completely different out look on things. I expected to be happier. More well rounded. After all, I was going through all these changes. I'd never been away from my parents for more than a week or two. I hadn't switched schools since the second grade. I never really had the option of choosing who would be my friends because of how limited I was at Garden. Yet despite all these changes i feel like none of them has made a change in me. I feel like I woke up and am back to the end of my senior year but much more gloomy muchmore hazy and much less exciting because i already know what freshman year is like.

A part of me also feels like I'm saturating myself in the same thoughts and feelings for months now. When I sit down to write in my journal nothing creative flows out. I haven't been able to write a good peice of poetry in months. And it occured to me while i was wasting time in Tompskin Sq Park that since I have nothing reflect, no emotion or experience to express, it's time i do things. Go to a couple of art shows, read a shit load of books, listen to all the music on my computer that's never once been played before. Watch all those movies your ashamed of not having seen. Make money, and work my ass off. No stopping to think becuase that's when i'll saturate myself in those same thoughts that have become as thick and inescapable as molasses at this point. So that's what I have to do. Find something to thin it all out. I just hope I actually do it this time instead of just talking about it.

2005-05-11T07:03:00.000-07:00

It's pretty crazy that it's already the end of the semester. My freshman year is over. It's odd how at the end of things we expect to feel this profound change. in many ways this past year has just felt like a dream, like a little vacation. it hasn't felt like life. It's also really hard to conceive of a full year and try to sum it all up. So much happened, yet so little. I remember being here in the fall. My computer was the first thing I set up. I sat here in my cool college chair, in my college dorm room staring at my bar college walls, looking out the window at my colelge campus. I think i can safely say that I walked away from school having understood a little bit more about myself.things look and sound so much better in retrospect. I feel like i enjoy moments so much more in retrospect.

Oddly enough this doesn't feel like the end. i am so much more excited to come back to school than i am sad about leaving school.

Where is my mind. WHEEEEERE is my mind!

Don't you hate the feeling when you hook up with someone but you actually like them that time but don't really know how to progress it from a one night stand to something alittle bit more profound... yea... that sucks.

I love Rachel, Julia, Alima, Selene, both Sam's, Endless Lipschutz, Stef, Brendan, Jon... I mean the list is so long. Whether or not this is all gonna be read by them i don't care, Just in case they stumble accross this i want them to know that I love them. and that they've all made such an impact on this life.

SUMMER TIME!

2005-05-01T07:40:00.000-07:00

My arch nemesis, She's my nightmare. I run away from her in my dreams. I run away from her in real life, and anytime she opens her mouth I need to tear and break everything in sight because I have to hold everything inside. When our sphere's meet the apocalypse is expected.

I'm very nervous and not looking forward to moving back home at all. My mother is driving me absolutely crazy and I'm shaking in anger right now. I'm sick of her over statements i'm sick of her generalizing everything to the mood she's in. I'm sick of her stupid pointless dead end questions. I'm sick of her investigations and her tallying everything I do and say up until i've passed the limit of how much I'm allowed to do it. I'm so not lookin forward to moving back home, I wantto put a lock on my door and maybe build a balchony outside my bedroom window, maybe with a staircase reaching ground level so I never have to cross paths with her again. As mean as this is going to sound I want to vomit everytime she tells me she misses me because there is probably no limit to how much time I can spend away from her. And this isn't normal. Rob says I just need to do things the way I want. The more I do that the more she'll get used to it and the less she'll question me.

I feel like I'm going crazy. I feel really on edge and unsure about things, i'm freaking out and i just want to crawl up into a ball right now and cry. I dunno what's wrong with me. but I just need to be away from everything. I just feel all this pressure to do and be something great and amazing, I feel like i have all these people to impress and I feel like i haven't impressed myself at all. I feel stupid and boring and ugly and shallow and untalented and simply unhappy and I dunno what's wrong with me because I know that none of that stuff is true but it's how I feel. I should've never gotten out of bed this morning.

2005-04-29T05:49:00.000-07:00

I need to start feeding my mind. I feel kinda boring. I don't do much. I feel like this summer is going to be very productive. I was thinking If I go for Photography I can just transfer to FIT. Who knows.

Even though I haven't been productive, in a large sense, i feel like i've figured big things out. Career paths. I have thought a lot of big picture stuff. I've been doing hard work i think, especially now towards the end of the semester. I'm going to Ace everything!

See, that sort of envigorating power has definitely been running through my veins.

I've been thinking about Rob a lot lately. Again... i was watching Amelie and towards the end that second to last scene of complete silence between Amelie and Nino when they finally met. They kissed each others eyes. I'd never had anyone before Rob kiss my eyes before and believe me when I say I wept like baby. I also started writing in the journal I wrote in french in. Much was said about Rob in that journal during the heat of all of the events. And I truely honestly just miss and that's what it boils down to.

Life just bounces back and forth a lot. AGH! I dunno I'm just sick of Being in school I want to redo my room at home and make it awesome, I want to forget about all the work and all the schoolrwork i have to do. I wish I was doing better work.

I'm gonna go clean my room bye

2005-04-05T09:51:00.000-07:00

So you'd think Circus Skills is a nutty enough class where things would cease to be really surprising and the lack of normalcy is something you'd get used to this far into the semester. That does not seem to be the case. Yesterday morning in class we're doing our usualy laying around the mat waiting for Mark to give us the cue to start warming up. One of the regular students comes in with his wife beater and we all notice this mark on the inside of his arm. We don't really think much of it and plainly asked him what happened.

"I... I had to fight a posession last night!" he replied, very matter of fact.

"A posession ey? waht do you mean by that?" someone from one end of the room asks.

"My girlfriend was posessed by her ex-boyfriend who killed himself last night, and he bit me."

"WHAT?" 5 people say simulataneously

"Yea I know it sucks, I'm sorta used to it by now."

I don't really have much else to say about that.

SKITTLES

I've been eating Skittles for quite some time now and I've never fully understood the whole "Taste the rainbow" thing. Sunday night all that changed. I started eating Skittles in a different way. This consumtion method was inspired by Yomna, a ritual as sacred to her as praying 5 times a day. She pours a bunch of Skittles into her mouth and proceeds to suck of the balls of flavor until it all molds into a colorful ball that looks like a mosaic style painted easter egg. She proceeds to suck, I assume until the entire ball dissintegrates in her mouth. So Sunday night in the midst of my silly kind bud high with Julia and Sam I mimiced this process, pulling the ball out and admiring it every once in a while until my patience had wore thin and I just wanted the Skittles to be well on it's way to digestion. So I started to chew. Everytime my jaws clenched It was as if more and more skittles juices were produced and my mouth was overwhlemed by the lime-orange-grape-cherry-lemon artificial flavoring. As i was sitting wide eyed and astonished by the immense flavor in my mouth the room started changing colors. With every chew it was as if I was staring through a different colored filter matching the colors of the Skittles. And then it occured to me... I FINALLY TASTED THE RAINBOW!

Springtime

2005-04-01T16:52:00.000-08:00

It's amazing the things a little sunshine can do to people. Tuesday was one of the single most beautiful days in a long time. In one day SUNY Purchase transformed from what seemed to be a cold baren construction of bricks into a lively jungle-like celebration in the village. Everyone was compelled to end their hibernation and go out side whether it was to lay they undesired posessions to be sold or joign the drum circle taking place below the marketplace in the green grass. The drum circles are a common occurence here are Purchase but on this day it was more special. Among about 10 drums there were garbage cans, trumpets, trombones, dijeridooes, cowbells, and much much more. Around them were a team of dancers that would either dance sporadically or form into a conga line. This went on from about 11-5 PM. It was nice to see the campus come to life.

I went to Argentina which was pretty awesome. Being back has been a hard thing to adjust to. I felt like I went through all these amazing things and am now just thrown right back into this same routine lifestyle here at purchase. I feel like I experienced an alternate way of living and was by force shoved back into a more undesirable one. Argentina was a special trip cause I got to see waht it's like to be South American Armenian. I know what it's like to be American Armenian. But it was interesting how the South American's managed living in a society so rich in their own music and dance and culture and being able to mantain the Armenian Culture. It made me also realize that there are a lot more Armenian's out there in the world. It made me feel like we could even more strengthen the Armenian bond on an international level. There's a lot more but this is what is sticking out in my head. I dunno Argentina was the best thing that could've happened after my trip on acid.

The feeling I came away with after acid was one of being in total control. It was as if I had the world in the palm of my hand and had complete control over it's fate. I felt really independent and suddnely felt like I had the power to accomplish everything. I realized how great my life was and how I needed to stop worrying so much. I just felt like everything was going to be ok. I even cried thinking about it on the plane. about how true for the first time that statement was to me. Othen than that everything else seemed kinda hard to get a full understanding of anything else I experienced. More becuase I think everyone around me experienced it differently. Again I don't feel like I gained a full understanding of it all. I just want to do it again.

I realized I'm really indifferent about weed. I don't feel like I have a stron attachement or dettachement from it. I think I'm just really indifferent about being high. I guess that mean it's losing it's novelty. As far as drugs are concerned liek psychadelics. I was thinking the other day that I find nothing unhealthy about them. Honetely I feel like they are just an alternate universe Open for me to explore. Another world i have just as much to learn from as this current world. Just a quick thought I had that i should share.

2005-03-08T08:39:00.000-08:00

So they say part of the reason why we dream is to store events of the day into our long term memory, or at least this is what I've heard. And I've been consistently having dreams about Rob for the past month. There are some that are just simple dreams, like he and I just sitting in at a restaurant, waiting for food, talking like old times. Other times it's usually me watching him from a distance, as if i were visiting school and watching him intereact with people without having him suspect that i was there. And othertimes the dream starts off like the first one I mentioned and then I spend the whole dream trying to get it back, sturggling to just get back to him. I usually always wake up unsuccessful. Which in a way is a sort of good thing cause I'm not waking up to a harsher reality. My question is, why the FUCK would I need to stamp, engrave, or brand the memory of Rob and the process of getting over him any further into my brain than it already is!?!?!

So Friday's blog entry was pretty negative and I'd just like to say that this weekend was quite possibly one of the best weekends I've had in a while. Friday came and left and yea, pissed me off a little bit but it's all gravy cause Friday night was Sarah's visit back to Queens for the weekend, to spend time with ME! Friday night I had my poetry reading. Although I've read the poem plenty of times, this was quite possibly one of the best readings I've had. Being up there reminded me ho wmuch I missed reading, how much i missed being on a stage and reading poetry. I still have a lot of work to do in terms of just being a better poet. that night, sarah and I trecked over to 11th and 3rd to the lovely NYU dorms and crashed at Yomna's for the night. We were up easily till about 5 AM just talking and catching up. It was really good. The next day I officially became a customer of 99 Miles to Philly, and bought myself a cheesesteak sandwich, which was fucking AMAZING! That night Sarah and I went over to the Cornelia Street Cafe and saw my sister read from her finished novel. Then we trecked up to W67th to meet up with Smilky and Kelsey. We smoked a bowl in Central Park and proceded to Makor to see Stop Making Sense on the big screen. Which was of course phenomenal. It was really good to just be home for the weekend. It was especially nce to have Sarah with me. I love that girl with all of my heart and this weekend further confirmed how awesoem of a friend and person she is. I know she and I will be friends for a very long time.

This past weekend i had thoughts of just moving back home. Just going to school and do great things with life outside of school. I feel so saturated in like Purchase life here, I feel really limited. I feel really bored. Things here just feel really petty and stupid and childish. I feel like I either need to transfer or just start doing things that make me happy. I should just do what I did this weekend, GO HOME every weekend. I think i'll be happy doing that. I feel like little to no inspiration here. Very few people are constantly amazing me with who they are. I dunno, everything I dislike about the school is the mere fact that i feel really limited, that's what everything boils down to.

ok I've suddenly lost the interest in writing this blog entry, so I'm gonna just stop it here.

2005-03-04T08:52:00.000-08:00

Jackson Heights is stupid, REALLY stupid! For a number of reasons.

-First of all the JH post office is unfortunately under the misconception that people only apply for passports on fucking Tuesdays and Wednesdays

-Second of all Rob works here. Rob is stupid, therefore Jackson Heights stupid and so is Garden School. (sorry guys)

-Third of all it's too damn cold which makes me even more bitter about the previous 2 reasons. Also becuase I couldn't sleep without waking up from my toes being too damn numb in the middle of the night.

So now I'm gonna list things I'm excited about to make me feel better.

1. Sarah's coming in 6 hours and I am so fucking psyked to see that skanky blonde!
2. A possible viewing of Stop Making Sense on the big screen in the city sat night? (find out more at the Flavorpill)
3. Spring break in Argentina.
4.Trip to Boston to see a Radiohead lazer light show.
5. Eating paper.
6. Larry's visit to NYC!

2005-02-27T04:29:00.000-08:00

So this weekend was exactly what I needed to feel better. It was a perfect weekend and I really couldn't ask for more. This past week has been a little rough. I've just been feeling sad, homesick, and SICK of Purchase. I knew I needed a break from this scene when I broke down crying in a pile of clothes on the phone with Sarah and then again, curled up in a ball completely submerged in my sleeping bag, all while Rachel is in the room. Heh. It was really dramatic.

One thing that was good however was that I was looking forward to my friend Siroun's visit. A dear Armenian friend of mine who I met through camp friends. So I kick started the weekend with the OC at Lucy's. Beyond the fact that it was a good episode and that I was back to where the OC is watched best, Eileen was watching it with us. Her presence was quite the added bonus to the evening.

A quick comment on the OC:

So as happy as I was about the Sandy/Rebecca hook up because of my strong distaste for Kirsten, I still think they should be together. I mean I was disappointed in Sandy when all this started, but I didn't have any expectations for the guy when he lied about Rebecca and where she was staying. All in all I'm happy the bitch is gone.

I'm not really one who's turned on by lesbians. My turn ons go far and wide from porns and lesbians. With that said, I think the Marissa/Alex lesbian action is undeniably sexy. More power to them!

Seth is now one of my favorite characters. My initial impression of him was one of a pussy little bitch. He annoyed me in the same way Ross from friends annoys me. Anyway, he's grown on me, what can I say? And after seeing Ryan sopping wet from all that rain down in Orange County, C.A. it made him one of my favorite characters too.

I'm happy Summer and... What was that guy's name? ... I forgot it. Whatever, I'm so happy Seth and Summer are back together.

I think Ryan Marissa and Alex all need to get in the shower together, with clothes on, and then take each other's wet clothes off and have and threesome in the shower. But that's just my personal opinion.

After the OC I went to meet my sister, brother in law, Oliver, a former boss of their's, and the boss's friends at Steak-Frites. I had myself an apple tart with a scoop of caramel Ice cream. The dessert was great and the dinner was just a splendid time. I then spent the night at Aida's. The next day we woked up and watched Dawson's creek and headed into the city for our day of boot shopping. I bought a pair of combat boots, with zippers up the side. They feel kinda wierd now, but I wear them a lot to break them in. I'm sure they'll be perfect within a month.

Later that evening, I met up with my friend Siroun from Boston. We smoked a joint by the New York City Post Office and proceded to the Downtime after and hour spent at Dunkin Donuts. We saw her boyfriend spin at the club. DJ Illogix is his name, and he plays with this guy named JCO. Most of the other bands sucked. It was like a harder Linkin Park. It sucked pretty bad. But the alcohol was nice. We each got a double shot of Patron, and I got a gin and tonic. Siroun got a Gin and Jack. Then there was free beer from 11:00 -11:45PM and 2:00-2:45AM. Let's just say it was a pretty good night.

We spent the night in Queens and then came back to Purchase the next day. All of Saturday was spent aquainting Siroun with SUNY Purchase. She Met a large chunk of my friends. After a couple failed attempts at going to parties, and pints of Hard cranberry Lemondae and Smirnoff Ice, we came back to my room to drink the pints of heinekens we had (they are nowhere near finished).

It's now 8 in the morning. I've been up since 5:40. I put on some interpol at like 7 AM. I think it's like some of the best music to listen to at sunrise. And that's what initially made me want to start this journal entry. I wanted to comment on how fitting I felt the music to be. So I guess I'll end it on that note.

Good Morning world.

2005-02-13T07:49:00.002-08:00

So lets see if Ani can even REMEMBER how her weekend has gone. Thrusday night started with a viewing of the OC. First of all, I think I'm the only one that thinks it's awesome that Sandy and Rebecca kissed, It was an asshole move and I was definitely shocked by it, but i fucking hate his current wife so goddamn much. Seth Cohen is a winy little wimp pussy bitch, If you like a girl you tell her straight up, you don't do it using a comic book presentation pitch. And well the much expected lesbian kissing scene. it was great except for the dumb meathead reactions i endured watching it. Seriously, these boys acted like they just felt their first erections. I missed watching the OC at Lucy's, I felt a strong void while watching it this week and might have to start making the OC a weekly thursday tradition, if of course the party allows it.

Afterthe OC as Julia and I were shunned for most of the evening by our lovely friends, smoked the fuck out of her room. Then everyone had piled into julia's room. I personally have been growing increasingly weary of hanging out with our usual crowd, so I partied hearty int he room next door playing flip cup with 6 people. That was my first time playing and by gosh did I have a smashing time.

Now the reason there has been all this weariness has been essentially due to this dumb bitch who goes by the name of Kaitlyn. She has stolen my roomate. Rachel just doesn't seem to want to hang out with me and do all of our fun little roomate things that we used to do. I feel like a real distance from her and it's upsetting. So Kaitlyn, a girl I was never too fond of to begin with, is now everywhere with us, all the time. The only reason I don't really enjoy her company is mostly because whenever we are together she and Rachel are off conversing with eachother. Kaitlyn also has the tendency to grab people, like my roomate it in a room full of people and just whisper and be real secretive, and I perosnally find that offensive on so many levels.

Anyway so that was thursday night. Friday night started with a gin and tonic with my dear friend Adam and his friend Mike, from whom i bought 2 tabs of acid. the rest of the evening was followed by Goldschlagger shots and swigs of Rum with Brendan and Bridget, shooting a drunken game of pool (me losing, by the way, 2 games of cut throat). The evening was capped with a failed attempt by Brendan to have a threesome with Bridget and myself, and then me remembering how much fun brendan was and wishing to death that I had taken advantage of the opportunity called brendan when I could have had him. But it was alright. It was nice making out with him again.

Saturday, and Saterday was pretty much a waste. It was composed of laundry, and "Love Actually", a bowl, some Rum, shitty music at the student center, another bowl and my falling asleep to "Too Wong Fu Thanks for Everything, Julie Newmar" (that drag queen movie with Patrick Swayze, Wesley Snipes and John Leguizamo) with Shannon and Kelsey.

So I come away from the weekend with some nice face time with Brendan, a trip to Argentina pretty much solidated, and 2 tabs of Acid. I think it was a pretty successful weekend.

2005-02-07T11:41:00.000-08:00

So... Things haven't been too shabby in my world. This campus has been blowing up. Since we've been back everyone has just been very excited and ahppy to see each other and it's really been anon stop party. Last week I spent the majority of the evenings wasted. I've never had so much fun drinking before and it's even worn me out a little So I need a break from the drinking. Pot is such a comfortable alternative.

The past few Thursday evening's I've spent in the company of my favorite people of ALL of 9th street (Lucy and Danny) drinking vodka tonics, awaiting some lesbian action on the OC, seeing RANA, and pigging out. I was truely blown away by RANA's sound and how delicious their sets have been. When they start off they usually play these OK songs, nothing too instrumentally impressing but as the front lights turn off and the band is silhouetted the guitarists started belt out these insane riffs and I was completely in awe of their sound.

Other than that Circus Skills has been getting much better. I was able to do the forward rolls with much ease this morning without any returning back pains and the devils sticks are the SHIT. All my other classes are just oodles of fun and learning.

The new years resolution hasn't been going as smoothly as I had planned. My weaknesses have been returning and I'm just starting to miss him. I'm not so much getting upset over him but he's constantly riding my thoughts. My heart just melts when I think of him. I've spoken to him twice though and the conversations have gone over quite smoothly. I still can't seem to just drop the idea of us being together. And I find myself daydreaming anytime I am in the city that he is going to appear out of nowhere, hold me in his arms and kiss me, but we all know that won't be happening. I just want him back. I keep wishing that he'll come to his senses and realize how shitty his life will be without me. BUT again, we all know that's not happening. "I need you back, i need you here, to take away all of my pain, and then my fears! HEY! I need you back."

::sigh::

I'm in high spirits though, I'm in no emotional wreck. Life's good and I can't complain.

2005-01-26T08:53:00.002-08:00

I've got to move on
I can't lose track
Cause when the tears start flowing
I veer off and Crash.
And It's like constatnly reliving the same wilted day
I just can't do this to myself again.
Chin up, shoulders back, look straight ahead.
No looking down or looking back
No lonesome sulking.
No more tripping on already passed cracks.
I just can't do this to myself again.
Time and time alone hold the answer to all my cries,
and i'm hoping that this time, time is on my side.
For now I'll sit back and enjoy the good times.
I just can't do this to myself again.
C'mon Ani, things can't be that bad.
but it's easier said than felt
When you're feeling this sad.
Pull yourself together, this too shall pass.
I just can't do this to myself again.
No more hope in songs
No more living vicariously through Tracy in "Manhattan".
I'm ridding myself of this heartbreak
I just can't do this to myself again.

2005-01-14T13:29:00.000-08:00

Well. I guess that momentary happiness did not last for too long. Now I'm back to cynically staring life in the eyes over everything and saying "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?" I'm just, not happy. I'm not content, I'm not excited. Life feels like a drag and I find myself wanting to sit by the computer and pretend like i'm planning all these trips to Europe. Or I'll read hoping to escape everything.

On the brighter side i got to see my two lovely dark metropolitan friends, Danny and Lucy last night. I must say that it was a nice change from the tantrtum i was having over the vaccum cleaner not working. We had an evening of japonese food, a first time experience at the infamous Bowery Ballroom, honey joints and Dominican Republic pictures. I missed those two a lot. I'm happy to have them back.

I'm dreading my parents return. I don't want to hear it from them. AT ALL. Especially if it has anything to do with how shitty of a daughter I am.

Whatever I go back to school wednesday. That's all I really need to focus on i suppose.

Later dudes.

Repent...

2005-01-08T10:53:00.000-08:00

Alright. So let's consider all the things Ani has gone through in the past 5 months.
1. Rob, that whole heartbreak.
2. Going to school, getting work done.
3. Making new friends.
4.My mom once again has caught me smoking weed. Not in the act, but I came home at like 11:00 pm. My eyes were red, and she popped the question.
"Have you been smoking again Ani?"
"Yes mother I have"
"Oh, that ees GRRRREEAATT. Just a phase, KAK a phase"(KAK- Shit in Armenian. Yes, mother dear curses too.)
"But mom, I told you that I still smoked, I never lied about that. Do you remember what i said the first weekend I came back home from school?"
Mother is standing with her arms folded in front of me, staring into my bloodshot eyes. Silenced.
"I told you 'People at school smoke too much pot. I'm not saying that I haven't partaken in any of these events, because I have smoked there, But not nearly as much as most of the people there.'

"I didn't know you meant smoking the POOTTSS!!"

She goes off ranting and raving about how I was a failure in her eyes; Using Monika Sarah and Yomna as lifestyles I should follow. Quite frankly, I am quite fond of the person I am. I'm getting my work done. My GPA is higher than it ever was in high school. For my first semester in college I think that's something to be proud of. I rarely smoked during the day. And at night it was no more than 2 outings after I've finished my work. I see absolutely nothing wrong with that. I've been responsible with money. Rarely splurging on unescisary items. I come home for vacation and work almost every day. I'm a good kid. And she pretty much was saying how she'd rather have a snobbish daughter like my cousin Lena, than someone like me who smokes the pots and the cigarette. I... need to get the fuck out of here. Worst of all when mom went to bed, my father and I were sitting on the couch for half an hour. He didn't say a goddamn thing to me. All he said was goodnight from the kitchen in Armenian. He went to bed. I woke up to hearing the doorbell ring at 8 inthe morning. My mom saying

"Dee caaab ees herrrre"

I heard the door slam shut and I thought

"Thank god she is on vacation for a month. Maybe Dad will buy an 8th and smoke her out with shotties. Who knows they might get freaky and all."

Bottom line, she's no longer giving me money. Like spending money. Which I see almost as a good thing. I'll learn to make money, and all that jazz. I think that's a great idea mom.

Anyway, for some reason now I have the house to myself, The idea that I can run around naked filles me with inconcievable bliss and joy. When everything falls apart, more so than they already in have, is the time when I have the will to be happy. I was giggling again, out loud, for no reason. That hasn't happened in a while.

I'm moving on with life. Starting now. Rob is done with, over, the book is being closed right now. I ... Just need to stay strong, Do other things. If he comes back, I'll be shocked. I think I might have to just forget about him completely for next semester, Not talk to him at all. I think I just will stop talking to him until graduation. That'll be 6 months. Ok I'm doing it now. 6 Months. NO ROB! No one ask me about him. This is a closed book. For 6 months. I'm really sticking to this guys. New Years Resolution. Here It is!

All smiles here. Another thing I think I may start doing is just smoking one fat joint a week. Not smoking with other people, just maybe to myself. I'll still go with people but I won't take a hit. Maybe I'll learn how to roll blunts. And only smoke One blunt on the weekends, That's it. Not to myself only though, with like Julia and Rachel, Alima, Sexy Sam, Mike... For Shizzle! That's a lot of people. Well alima might not be here becuase it's the weekend, she'll probably be with Joel, in woodstock.

Ok now I'm just rambling. Well thanks forlistenign guys. I'm out!

Party at Ani's Tonight! YA Ho

2004-12-29T15:03:00.000-08:00

VICTORY IS MINE! You are vanquished! Yes that means you LARS!

Christmas Weekend Style

2004-12-26T17:54:00.000-08:00

it had been a while since I was in the great city of Philadelphia, however the 4 month streek was broken this weekend. Friday morning i woke up bright and early to drive 2 hours to the city I had once been so in love with. Christmas eve morning was spent at the malls looking for a great pair of shoes for yours truely. Followed by helping my cousin Jeff wrap the plethora of gifts he had piled into his office. Dinner was then served at my grandmothers and gifts were opened. I personally received the Phish IT DVD and The Jimi Hendrix Experience Box Set. After dinner Phil and I went over to the Baltaians, a family whom I hadn't seen since... oh jeez... sometime in the middle of my senior year. It was really nice to see them. Ryan and I chatted, caught up and will hopefully try and maintain some sort of friendship via telephone. I know it's stupid of me to even expect that from him, but who knows. I'm the idiot always willing to give people an innumerable amount of chances. The next day was spent sleeping, eating at my grandmothers again at 4, then going over to my cousin's family's house in NJ. That family is really great. They are a funny group. Their gifts are all essentially insults and stabs at each other. My cousin Jeff and His cousin Jim are the two biggest rivals. It was truely entertaineing watching them take stabs at each other with gifts. This has been the tradition for years now. It's funny to watch.

The 2 things I was oversaturated with this weekend:
-Farts
-everything ending with the word "style" (i.e. Hot style, BMW style)

The closer I got to New York, the more the happiness of the weekend was sucked out of me. So now I find myself here, in my room, once again with my lovely iBook, a dime bag, a green apple and a pack of Camel Lights. Looks like this is what I'm gonna be doing for most of vacation.

Things I'm looking forward to:
-Hanging out with Larry and Danny and baking our asses retarded.
-The Machine Wednesday night at BB Kings w/ Julia
-Disco Biscuits Thursday night At the Electric Factory in Philly w/ Julia
-Disco Biscuits NYE in NYC @ Hammerstien w/ Julia
-Opening presents New Years Day
-My parents going on their ARMO BOAT JOB Cruise.
-Going to Woodstock

2004-12-22T13:24:00.000-08:00

Tomorrow Never Knows by The Beatles

Turn off your mind, relax
and float down stream
It is not dying
It is not dying

Lay down all thought
Surrender to the void
It is shining
It is shining

That you may see
The meaning of within
It is being
It is being

That love is all
And love is everyone
It is knowing
It is knowing

That ignorance and hate
May mourn the dead
It is believing
It is believing

But listen to the
color of your dreams
It is not living
It is not living

Or play the game
existence to the end
Of the beginning
Of the beginning
Of the beginning
Of the beginning
Of the beginning
Of the beginning

Homefront

2004-12-22T07:59:00.000-08:00

Well I've been in the heights for about 5 days now. Sat. Night was a shit load of fun at Danny's. We watched Stop making sense and it was probably one of the most single interested concerts i've ever watched.

Being home is wierd. Not as surreal of an experience as it was when I first came back. It's nice to be home. My mom is great. I enjoy her company a lot. Last night I hung out with Fiorella. it was really nice seeing her. She's grown up a lot. She's not a stupid stoner anymore... She looks great and is doing great and I'm really happy for her.

I dunno what's been up with me lately.. I just sort of feel like i'm on the wrong track. I don't really have any rational reason to feel this way... i just feel really uneasy. I feel wierd... I dunno. My mind is just blank right now...

I'm gonna go sew the holes in the crotches of all of my pants up... later dudes

Suny Purchase, Home, Can't Let Go

2004-12-15T10:38:00.000-08:00

I'm really in love with SUNY Purchase. i've grown accustomed to the campus life. I love it here really. It's good for me. I have great friends. As the last days of the semester dwindle down I can honestly say that I am really sad to be leaving the school for a month. I have things to look forward to at home. Hanging out with my mom is going to be fun. I'm gonna go to Philly for Christmas. I'm spending new years with Julia at the Disco Biscuits, the next weekend I'm planning a trip to Woodstock. Then the next week my parents are gone. And then it's Purchase-bound I am.

I know how I am though, I'm gonna be sad if I come back to Purchase from having been home for a month and Rob not trying to hang out with me. It's like a dark cloud constantly over my head.

Now, I am not really one to read my horoscopes often enough and take them seriously at the same time. Yesterday however Alima was checking them and I asked her to read mine. Here's what it said.

"Living in the past is sure to have a negative effect on your future. Go back to the well and refill your bucket with clean water this time. Even if you have an unhappy history with family members or old acquaintances, you can still find something there to teach and nourish you. If an unresolved issue is holding you back, deal with it and move on. Growth may not be easy, but it's necessary. Take a break from this inner turmoil to work on external beauty. Your home or office could stand a bit of brightening up or redecorating."

Tell me that's not weird. And I was TOTALLY going to redo my room over the break. Alice and I are on rocky terms right now. I'm stuck on Rob. And everything and everyone is telling me I need to drop it. Why do they all feel wrong though? Why do I still feel like it's possible? Why is it that when Ryan Baltaian didn't call me at all after having kissed me took what, 2 months to forget about? IT'S BEEN 4 MONTHS! I feel like I've been cheated. Rachel say that given the way things have played out with this whole situation, it's completely normal for me to be feeling this way. But I still don't understand why everything in my life is telling me to go one way, and I can rationally understand why I need to leave this behind. But no matter how hard I try I can't move on. I just go around in circles.

Al Green and The Smiths ROCK!

I'm coming to the heights Friday night so I'll see y'all in Jackon Heights

Fucked up Friday, Recovery smokedown, blah...

2004-12-05T07:52:00.000-08:00

So my trip wasn't all that I had hoped it would be. They first few hours were really good.. well actually just the first two. The hallucinations were intesne.. everything was vibrant, moving, morphing and all of that great stuff. But I wanted to talk damnit. No One was really tripping together, the flows of our trip just weren't running the same way. So after a while I felt like no one really wanted to hear my rambling so I stopped talking. Then i just started arguing in my head about nothing good. all bad, all of it depressed me. I just feel like a lost, conflicted, hopelessly romantic, lonely girl. Everything was going around in circles, nothing made sense, it wasn't enlightening, it was just confusing. I couldn't come to any solid conclusions or anything. The to top it all off, Phil was being a royal DOUCHEBAG! He called me and was being unnecissarily mean.

I miss Rob. everyday...

Sat. was a day of recovery filled with pot, food and wine. I watched PCU, and read a little bit.

Lately I've been quite obsessed with Hemingway's The Sun Also Rises. I just feel I can relate to it. I wonder if the mindset of Jake is what I'll need to continue on with life and not let things knock me down.

I hate the winter.

2004-11-26T23:17:00.000-08:00

i'm so sick of being single...

Turkey Day, Tequila, and Blunts...

2004-11-26T11:40:00.000-08:00

My visit back home has been a great deal of fun. Wednesday I, along with my old classmates, visited Garden School. I like going alone and having a good 15-30 minutes with each teacher, just to catch up. We were in garden for about 4 hours until about 5 o'clock. Then Rob, Monika, Yomna, Sarah and I all went out to dinner. It was a bit tense at first. Rob knew that they knew of everything that happened over the summer. They sorta knew that he knew that they knew, but it was still a bit awkward. At one point during the dinner we were talking about how all the girls in our class ahd crushes on teachers. he knew all of their crushes casue I had told him. So he's sitting there pretending like he had them all figured out. Then he looked at me and said, "Who did you have a crush on Ani?" Everyone laughed and it broke the tension and from then on it was pretty smooth sailing. I really want to see him again. We said we'd see each other before I left. I hope we really do get to see each other. After that, a much needed visit was made to 418 9th st where I found Danny Lucy and orgasmic pumpkin muffins. Matt came by too. What a weird experience that was. He hasn't changed one bit. Good thing? Bad thing? Who knows.

Yesterday was the Day of Thanks. Quite the interesting day. Aida had done all the cooking by herself. The first thanksgiving of the couple. It was a lot of fun, Everyone drinking, we all took a shot of tequila. I was nice and drunk. So we stayed there Till about 9. I hung around a ltitle while longer at Aida's. Hung out with all of her friends and then Charlie came and picked me up and we smoked a nice blutn in his back yard. We pigged out some more and then he dropped me off at home. For the most part my stay here has been a blast. I'm having a great time and couldn't really ask for more.

I'm getting along great with my mom. Things are really smooth really easy going. Being that far away from her really helps love and appreciate her more. Alice is still driving me nuts. She was so rude this morning waking up. She was so rude and bitchy to my mom. Like she's just ridiculous. She needs to grow the fuck up!

ANYWAY... yea so there's not much else to say.

It didn't even take two days

2004-11-23T22:28:00.000-08:00

it didn't even take two days and I'm already back home. Tonight was a fun evening. I went out with Sarah Mike and Monika. Wow back to 9th grade. it's crazy how close all 4 of us were. We still are pretty close. We went and shot some pool. Sarah kicked my bootay. TWICE! It feels good to be back home, but I must say that a big part of me is still back at Purchase. As much as I down it, a big part of me has already gotten attached to the school, the people, the classes, the feel of just being in college.

What's great about coming home, other than rekindling my friendships with long lost friends, is NO CURFEW! I went out till one without a single phone call as to when I'd be coming home. Not even an INQUIRY of where I was! It's great.

In a way though I almost do feel like, out of sorts, out of place... just out. I'm not completely comfortable yet. We each have these lives that we don't have a full idea of yet. It's just wierd.

I feel like I'm clinging onto the idea of Rob and I working out when it probably won't. I feel like I am building all these expectations up in my head... it could be his lack of feedback, or him not telling me how beautiful he thinks I am, or the plethora of compliments that don't quite flow out of his mouth as easily. Who knows? I shouldn't complain though, things are great and I'm excited about being back home.

Well douches! I will talk to yous laters!

2004-11-20T09:31:00.000-08:00

So I'm home right now. It's really awkward being here. For some reason I feel older than my sister. I feel like I guess I've changed. I dunno I feel like a different person right now. I can't really explain it. Home doesn't feel like home. I wonder if there has been a real change from the person I was two months ago, to the person I am now. I think I'm more or less the same except I have this independence that I couldn't even fathom before. I know I'm trying my best at life.

It is wierd being back. Things on my end at least seem to go a lot smoother. At least with my parents. Alice on the other hand is an entire other issue. I am quite quickly becoming disgusted with her. She's rude in every answer she gives to anyone in the house. There is this attitude that goes and in hand with everything that comes out of her mouth. It makes me want to smack her. I can't be around her for too long. It will drive me mad.

Last night was a shit load of fun. Heinekens, Bud, Raquetball, Aida and some fun fun fun in the woods woods woods. Rachel (my roomate) and Aida got along real well. I knew she would. Rachel is really such a mature person. It's great, I love her a lot. We get along real well. Julia too, and Sam. I just keep reflecting. I have a hard time stopping myself from seeing each moment as the meaningful, good time that it is.

So I think I've put my finger on what life feels like to me now. There is this certian feeling I get when hanging out with Danny and Lucy. Life feels so good, but like a dream. Like a bunch of happy dreams that make up life. Or like a trip. When you take a logn trip just the way things feel when you travel or soemthing. Or maybe it's more of this "Almost Famous" sort of feeling. I dunno if I am depicting the feeling too well... but often times when hanigng out with Danny and his college friends I felt like he was this cool hip part of my life, he still is but now my entire life feels that way. It just has this dreamy sort of effect. Maybe the word for it is eudaimonia.

Ok I'm gonna stop rambling. Later dudes

A day submerged...

2004-11-18T13:07:00.000-08:00

A day submerged in class presentations, canceled classes, and RAQUETBALL!

The day is young and the sun is setting, Couldn't ask for more...

2004-11-17T20:26:00.000-08:00

The past few days have been quite beautiful. During the weekend it was frigid, burning cold. There was a 15 degree drop last week. However, I think the nice weather has a direct affect on our moods. Despite the fact that one of my really good friends is not the person i thought she was, with all the darkness she shed on the past few days, we've had enjoyable good times. Quite frankly its easier to get through the day without her.

I have an affinity for soccer. I enjoy it very much. I think it's a great game; Filled with so much tension, it's quite exhilirating to watch. Today I watched a game between Arsenal and Tuttenham. The score was 5-4, Arsenal; one of the highest scoring, intense games I've watched, quite possibly ever. But Collin down the hall is truely a great guy. He's someone you'd probably expect to be a real cocky jerk, but he's actually got quite a warm heart. I'm Happy that Kaitlyn is able to see this.

I love the people here. I hope I know them for a while.

I'm pretty excited to go back home and visit. I was talking to Sarah on the phone last night for the first time in a long time, and we were so excited to see each other. I'm going to get my father to pick her up from Iona and we're gonna drive back together Teusday night. I'M SO PSYKED. I'm also really psyked to see Rob. I hope I'll get to spend some substantial amount of time with him. I need to go back to my world for a little while. I'm gonna try not to smoke for those 4 days. I need to know what it feels like to rid my lungs of toxins for at least 4 days. I feel like after that it'll be easier for me not to quit. I'll be around my mother and I'll be happy not to smoke.

I feel happy again. I miss things but i'm getting better at just focusing on me, doing my thing and not letting them drown my mood.

Ok so time to stop reflecting.

First Blogger Blog.

2004-11-17T11:20:00.000-08:00

Wednesday's are my relaxing days. My stomach hurts. I haven't eaten anything. All I've done so far today is clean my room and do a french lab. I'm really confused as to waht i think about this school. I mean Purchase is great and my daily life is great. I ahve great friends and I'm having fun here. A part of me wishes I was in the city, at NYU. I mean the environment here is so... suffocating. I don't feel like I'm part of the real world. I feel like I am at camp and I really don't like that about it. I mean it's got it's ups and downs but when you need to escape it's virtually impossible. Honestly I know it's kinda ridiculous, but this computer is probably my salvation. Yesterday my roomate Rachel was telling me how funny she thought it was that she saw such a deep-rooted close relationship with me and my computer. She goes "You're really in love with your computer aren't you?" and in a way this is like the only way I gain access to the outside world.

It's not like I'm not having a good time though. I do enjoy the place. And I do miss it when I'm not here. but when i want to escape i want to go further than the quad. I want to go outside and be in the world, not on campus.

Ok Julia just came by my window. So I'm gonna go. LATER